Being One of a Kind

 My Mom used to tell me that I was one of a kind. I knew she meant that I was not like my two sisters – who were one year older and one year younger than me. And I knew that she meant that I was different from the other folks my age as well.

I was always unique and marched to the beat of my own drummer. I read thousands of books, even ones the county librarian tried to talk me out of and called my Mom about.  I was a feminist in 1970's redneck West Texas. I wore a t-shirt that read, “A woman needs a man, like a fish needs a bicycle.” I did not follow the crowd and made my own way. I was certain that following the crowd was wrong and that I was supposed to do something different.

It was not always easy. I was teased and made fun of at times. I was made to feel different and was, on more than one occasion, taunted fairly viciously. It was not fun. Growing up different is tough. No matter the reason one finds themselves being considered different – gender, theology, sexual orientation, religion, wealth, educational level, political beliefs, physical abilities, family issues, philosophy, size, clothing choices, gender identity, age, or whatever.

But despite that, marching to my own drummer has continued to be my style all of these years. Sometimes it has made me feel alone, sometimes it has made me feel extremely powerful, and sometimes it has made me just feel different.

Recently I read a story about a whale called “52 Hertz.” This whale has been tracked for years and goes his own way. He does not follow the normal migration pattern of other whales of his “kind.” He makes whale sounds that are on a different frequency than other whales – hence the name 52 Hertz. He was discovered about 20 years ago and continues to make his unique sounding whale call – and there seems to be no answer.

This whale is one of a kind. His sound is one of a kind. He swims the ocean alone, perhaps malformed or maybe a hybrid of two other forms of whales. He is alone – one of a kind – doing his own thing.

We have no way to know if he is lonely or depressed or enjoying his unique nature, but songs and stories have been written about his isolation and loneliness anyway.

You would think that receiving no answer to his unique whale song for decades would mean he might stop – but he doesn’t. He keeps on singing on his own frequency. And he keeps on swimming the North Pacific alone.

One of the amazing things about my own journey is that I have found others who are “one of a kind” as well. We have found each other – through our own “whale song” of sorts and we have found community in each other as we swim. Sometimes they stay for short periods and sometimes for longer. But I keep looking for the other “one of a kind” folks out there.

52 Hertz goes on and on – alone in the world.  He keeps on calling in his unique tone but for whatever reason he never receives a reply. I wonder if he just hasn’t found the way to talk in a way that others like him can understand. Maybe he’s just not accepted because he is so different. I pray for him to find peace and happiness – whatever that looks like for 52 Hertz. And maybe he is happy – we have no way of knowing what he feels. But I know what it felt like growing up as a “one of a kind” person. Luckily I have found peace and happiness.

And I pray for you to find that as well. I pray for you to find someone who can hear your whale song. Whether you feel like you will never be accepted or have already found others – keep calling … keep swimming. There are others out there listening.

You are not alone.

Link to an article about 52 Hertz: http://blogs.plos.org/mitsciwrite/2013/03/05/the-search-for-the-loneliest-whale-in-the-world-pt-1/

Stained-glass Ceilings and Silencing Women

I teach in a seminary in Philadelphia and every semester I am teaching different classes with a changing group of students. This semester, I’m teaching two courses that I am seriously enjoying. One is an exciting class called Gender, Sexuality and Leadership. We are looking at how our gender and sexuality (and other elements of their personhood – education, race, ethnicity, socio-economic status, political beliefs, religious tradition, etc.) determine not only how we lead but also how our leadership is perceived by others. The course is a senior seminar so all of my students are about to graduate and enter into ministry – as pastors, as leaders in other ministry settings, and as public theologians.

As the course has explored the issue of how our gender is seen in leadership – especially in the church and religious institutions – we have had some intriguing moments of discovery. We have had guest speakers who have shared some startling stories of women being silenced and marginalized in their leadership. We have heard stories of women not being listened to in meetings and their leadership being defined as “less than” their male counterparts in a number of ways. And we have heard stories of women being denied in ministry and leadership by other women as well as by men.

When I hear our guests talk about their pastoral experiences I am reminded of my own. As a woman in pastoral leadership I have had some tough moments. One such situation happened in my first congregation. It was a small rural community in eastern Kansas. The town had a population of about 350 and the little church had 95 members. We were lucky to have 45-50 in weekly worship and to hit 65-70 on high holy days.

When I arrived I was told about Martha (not her real name). Martha was a very wealthy widow who had always had a significant amount of power in the congregation. Her financial gifts made up a large part of the annual giving of the congregation and therefore she had high expectations of pastoral attention.

Within the first few weeks of moving to the community I attempted to make an appointment to go see her in her home.  I was doing the same with many members – some who had not yet been in church since my arrival, some who might be in need of care, and others who I was simply told I needed to contact. Martha kept making appointments with me and then would cancel. I tried but was not sure how to proceed. Finally I decided to just drop by to see her one afternoon.

She invited me in but made it clear after an initial conversation, that I was not her pastor and never would be. I politely asked her why and she stated, quite emphatically, “No woman will ever be my pastor.” I tried to discuss the topic with her but there was no budging her. I asked if there were any possible ways that I could minister to her and if she would continue to come to church. She said she would come back to the church the Sunday after I left and would hold her financial support until that time as well. I pastored there for three years and she never darkened the doors of the church and never sent in her pledge.

I never could get Martha to explain to me why she was so opposed to women in ministry. She was not willing to talk about it to me. So I was left to wonder.

About a year into being appointed there, I heard that she was in the hospital in the next town over. I was told that her condition was serious. She was scheduled to undergo heart surgery to correct the problem she was experiencing. So I showed up to visit and offer pastoral care the day prior to the surgery. I knocked before entering her room and was told I could enter. So I cautiously entered her room to check on her, to let her know I cared, and to pray if she wanted. As I came in I said “Hello, Martha. I just wanted to come by to see how you are and to bring this get well card from the congregation.” She looked at me and asked if I would leave the card on the bedside table. I walked over to the bed and laid the card down. I asked her if I could pray for her and she responded “No, thank you.”

That was it. She turned in the bed away from me and I knew she was done with me.

I did ask a colleague from the UM Church in the town where the hospital was located to go by and offer her care before and after the surgery. And he did. Since he was a man, she welcomed him in and allowed him to provide her with care. That was all I could think of to do.

This experience is not rare and it’s not new. Women in ministry have come a long way but they experience these kinds of ministry denials often. Women are silenced and ignored. Women are limited in their ministry by stained-glass ceilings and sexist feelings.

It can be very painful and women can be left to feel helpless. I don’t pretend to have all of the answers, but want to offer a few suggestions. So how do we counter all of this?

First, we can continue to be the best pastors we possibly can be and be who God made us to be. We can continue to speak up and challenge those persons and systems that keep women from being in ministry or from sharing their gifts.

Second, we can enlist our brothers in ministry to be our advocates and allies so that they can help those closed to our voices finally hear us. They do not become our saviors – they become our partners.

Third, we can enlist and encourage our denominational leaders to be our advocates and allies as well and challenge them when they won’t be. We can hold them accountable.

Fourth, we can share our stories and help support other women in ministry by creating spaces where they can share theirs. We can be people of grace and peace in the midst of denial and silencing. We don’t have to hold all of the pain or feel like we have to solve it all but we can be someone who listens, learns and heals with others who have been hurt.

Fifth, we can strive to pray and keep our spiritual center so that even in times when our ministry and gifts are challenged we are able to keep on pastoring to those who will receive our gifts and graces. And this will allow us to keep on being a pastoral presence even for those less open to our ministry.

Lastly, we can have to hold fast to our call, lead with integrity and know that God called us – no matter what anyone else says.

You Are Enough – Period!

 In one of my preaching classes, a student stood up to describe their (see comment below post) preaching context for the sermon they were about to preach. They described the small local church, the working class community, the "low" church liturgy they used, and the liturgical season for the preaching moment. Next they read the text and did a brief extemporaneous prayer. So far the student had been conversational, relaxed, and engaging. I was listening to the same person I heard speak in class on a weekly basis. I was anticipating the sermon to be similar in tone and presence. So I sat back to listen.

However, when the sermon started the voice changed, the body posture tensed, and the entire presence of the preacher became more formal and quite forced. They were rigid and uncomfortable. And the voice coming out of their mouth was not the same voice we had just heard in the intro or in class. They were using what many call a "preacher voice."

The other students in the room noticed it and I could see several of them tense up as well. The student preaching went on - seemingly unaware of what was happening in the room - in an almost otherworldly manner. They seemed disconnected from us and from the context they had described earlier, which was a casual and family centered congregation. The student had told us how much their folks seemed to love stories, but in this sermon the only story told was about a context quite unlike the one they described before the sermon.

And as the student preached I knew the student was doing what many beginning preachers do ... they were trying on a persona that they assumed was needed for the task of preaching. It was, after all, their very first sermon ever preached. They had not grown up in the church but had witnessed some preaching on TV by several celebrated preachers. From this limited experience, they formed their "voice" for that preaching moment.

And it fell flat. It did not sound authentic or genuine. It sounded stilted and unnatural. No matter how the listeners tried, they explained later, the "voice" and persona the preacher "put on" turned them off. One of the students asked if this style of preaching was part of their tradition and the preacher responded, “Not really.”

We follow a process of affirmation and growing edge sharing after each sermon and the listeners mentioned the difference but it was clear that they were treading softly with the preacher.

So I met with the student privately and showed them the video I had made of their sermon. We watched their context sharing, the text reading and the prayer and then we stopped the video. I asked the student to share their thoughts and they liked what they saw.

Then we started the sermon and the student, a few minutes in started getting more and more uncomfortable. I stopped the video and we talked.

Basically the student thought preachers were supposed to sound a certain way - based on their limited experiences of seeing preachers portrayed on film and TV and by watching a few TV preachers on Sunday mornings.

The real issue became clear – the student did not know how to be themselves in the preaching moment. They thought that they needed to “be” something else to get people to listen.

And it happens in more than just in preaching. Often we have a hard time fully living into being ourselves – our true selves. We question whether or not being who God made us to be in enough. We question if being who we are will be accepted by others.

But I firmly believe God has made us to be who we are and we are enough. We are good enough. Whatever God has called you to do and be – you were called for who you are. You were called because you are enough.

We may sometimes want to change who we are by putting on a different voice, or pretending to be someone we aren’t, but the truth is – you are a beloved child of God. God made you and you are enough.

Sure we all want to slim down, color out the grey if it bothers us, or keep hidden a part of us we don’t want others to see or know about. And all of that is ok if we still know we’re beloved.

But we also have to know – really know – that we are enough. We are who we were made to be … or we’re working on getting there.

I know I’m enough … and sometimes too much … and there are things I need to work on … but I am enough.

And so are you!

(I did not use "he" or "she" in this post intentionally as I did not want the assumed gender of the preacher to get in the way of the post. It may seem clunky or annoying to the reader but it was intentional.)