Stained-glass Ceilings and Silencing Women

I teach in a seminary in Philadelphia and every semester I am teaching different classes with a changing group of students. This semester, I’m teaching two courses that I am seriously enjoying. One is an exciting class called Gender, Sexuality and Leadership. We are looking at how our gender and sexuality (and other elements of their personhood – education, race, ethnicity, socio-economic status, political beliefs, religious tradition, etc.) determine not only how we lead but also how our leadership is perceived by others. The course is a senior seminar so all of my students are about to graduate and enter into ministry – as pastors, as leaders in other ministry settings, and as public theologians.

As the course has explored the issue of how our gender is seen in leadership – especially in the church and religious institutions – we have had some intriguing moments of discovery. We have had guest speakers who have shared some startling stories of women being silenced and marginalized in their leadership. We have heard stories of women not being listened to in meetings and their leadership being defined as “less than” their male counterparts in a number of ways. And we have heard stories of women being denied in ministry and leadership by other women as well as by men.

When I hear our guests talk about their pastoral experiences I am reminded of my own. As a woman in pastoral leadership I have had some tough moments. One such situation happened in my first congregation. It was a small rural community in eastern Kansas. The town had a population of about 350 and the little church had 95 members. We were lucky to have 45-50 in weekly worship and to hit 65-70 on high holy days.

When I arrived I was told about Martha (not her real name). Martha was a very wealthy widow who had always had a significant amount of power in the congregation. Her financial gifts made up a large part of the annual giving of the congregation and therefore she had high expectations of pastoral attention.

Within the first few weeks of moving to the community I attempted to make an appointment to go see her in her home.  I was doing the same with many members – some who had not yet been in church since my arrival, some who might be in need of care, and others who I was simply told I needed to contact. Martha kept making appointments with me and then would cancel. I tried but was not sure how to proceed. Finally I decided to just drop by to see her one afternoon.

She invited me in but made it clear after an initial conversation, that I was not her pastor and never would be. I politely asked her why and she stated, quite emphatically, “No woman will ever be my pastor.” I tried to discuss the topic with her but there was no budging her. I asked if there were any possible ways that I could minister to her and if she would continue to come to church. She said she would come back to the church the Sunday after I left and would hold her financial support until that time as well. I pastored there for three years and she never darkened the doors of the church and never sent in her pledge.

I never could get Martha to explain to me why she was so opposed to women in ministry. She was not willing to talk about it to me. So I was left to wonder.

About a year into being appointed there, I heard that she was in the hospital in the next town over. I was told that her condition was serious. She was scheduled to undergo heart surgery to correct the problem she was experiencing. So I showed up to visit and offer pastoral care the day prior to the surgery. I knocked before entering her room and was told I could enter. So I cautiously entered her room to check on her, to let her know I cared, and to pray if she wanted. As I came in I said “Hello, Martha. I just wanted to come by to see how you are and to bring this get well card from the congregation.” She looked at me and asked if I would leave the card on the bedside table. I walked over to the bed and laid the card down. I asked her if I could pray for her and she responded “No, thank you.”

That was it. She turned in the bed away from me and I knew she was done with me.

I did ask a colleague from the UM Church in the town where the hospital was located to go by and offer her care before and after the surgery. And he did. Since he was a man, she welcomed him in and allowed him to provide her with care. That was all I could think of to do.

This experience is not rare and it’s not new. Women in ministry have come a long way but they experience these kinds of ministry denials often. Women are silenced and ignored. Women are limited in their ministry by stained-glass ceilings and sexist feelings.

It can be very painful and women can be left to feel helpless. I don’t pretend to have all of the answers, but want to offer a few suggestions. So how do we counter all of this?

First, we can continue to be the best pastors we possibly can be and be who God made us to be. We can continue to speak up and challenge those persons and systems that keep women from being in ministry or from sharing their gifts.

Second, we can enlist our brothers in ministry to be our advocates and allies so that they can help those closed to our voices finally hear us. They do not become our saviors – they become our partners.

Third, we can enlist and encourage our denominational leaders to be our advocates and allies as well and challenge them when they won’t be. We can hold them accountable.

Fourth, we can share our stories and help support other women in ministry by creating spaces where they can share theirs. We can be people of grace and peace in the midst of denial and silencing. We don’t have to hold all of the pain or feel like we have to solve it all but we can be someone who listens, learns and heals with others who have been hurt.

Fifth, we can strive to pray and keep our spiritual center so that even in times when our ministry and gifts are challenged we are able to keep on pastoring to those who will receive our gifts and graces. And this will allow us to keep on being a pastoral presence even for those less open to our ministry.

Lastly, we can have to hold fast to our call, lead with integrity and know that God called us – no matter what anyone else says.

Dinosaurs and Dragons in Church

 A friend called last week to talk about a conflict in their church.  It was about a resistance coming from some of his members to change things for a new day according to the friend, a pastor of a mainline denomination.  He commented that the dinosaurs in his church never want to try anything new.  They often say the seven deadly words that can stop church growth and new possibilities for vitality – “But we’ve never done it that way.”  His frustration was palpable even over the phone.  He was disheartened and frustrated. 

Another friend of mine had called just the week before – another pastor friend – to talk about a “problem person” in her church.  The person she was calling about was causing all manner of conflict because she did not get her way in a recent church decision.  So the member was acting out in aggressive ways.  The pastor called to see what I thought of how she was dealing with this behavior.  She was struggling with the anger spewing from her member that seemed out of control.  The pastor was tired and confused.

In every church you can find examples of both dinosaurs and dragons.  Dinosaurs can and will often cling to out of date realities and long for bygone days of the past.  They can also be the holders of tradition and heritage.  Dinosaurs can be the foundations upon which our mainline churches are built.  The difficulty is when the demographics of a community demand change, a new type of worship experience, or an innovative outreach strategy and the dinosaurs refuse to change to allow for these new possibilities.

You will likely also run into various dragons in the church.  Some stomp around throwing their power around like a bulky swishing tail and others literally and figuratively breathe fire whenever they are angry.  They can make life in the church very problematic – for both laity and clergy alike.  They can become angry over what seems like small things – moving a painting from one room to the other or the changing of the location of a meeting.  They can make the process of decision making extremely difficult by breathing fire in meeting after meeting, in worship and in study, and in formal and informal settings.  They can leave a path of destruction that baffles those around them with their angry behavior.

So what do we do about dragons?  One of these friends who called recently said the best thing about them is that they will simply die out eventually.  But what of the church in the meantime?

There are ways to deal with dragons and their issues from Marshall Shelley’s Well-Intentioned Dragons: Ministering to Problem People in the Church:

1. When criticism or critique is offered – “consider the spirit in which it is offered.”  Even in anger the critique may have merit and one would be wise to at least consider the criticism’s possible realities.

2. When the criticism or critique comes in the midst of “hot anger” this “is a sign that something more is involved.”  Anger, fiery or otherwise, that is beyond the expected norms in any given situation could likely mean there is something more that the person is frustrated or angry about.  Try to work on discovering the root of this anger in order to deal with the fallout.

3. When criticism or critique is offered – respond prayerfully.  The best model we can offer when people are angry is to pray for and with them about what they have concerns about.

4. When criticism or critique comes in concrete forms – give these instances of critique more weight.  The more concrete someone is the more validity their issue may be.  Explore what they are offering and examine them carefully for possible issues you can address.

5. When criticism and critique comes – deal with them calmly and with great care.  Dismissing the concerns out of hand only adds anger to the situation.  React calmly and they might as well.

6. When criticism and critique comes – deal with it corporately.  Gain perspective through the advice and counsel of others you trust.

7. When you are finished with all of these considerations you must act – either by making changes or letting the person know that you have weighed their issue carefully and determined that a different decision has been made.

Dealing with dinosaurs can be just as tricky.  Dinosaurs are often feeling like their issues and needs are being left behind for new people, new ideas, and new methods.  They believe what they hold dear in the church is being taken away from them piece by piece, step by step.  Their desires to cling to the past can be dangerous to a church that finds itself in the position of moving forward and reaching new audiences. 

Honoring the past while making room for what’s next can be tricky.  Sometimes it involves being a chaplain to “what was” to its final end in order to create “what can be.”  Sometimes it involves radically envisioning a new beginning that the dinosaurs can support as an additional ministry of their church.  Sometimes it means spending time learning the story of the dinosaurs so that one can tell a new story they can respond to positively. Sometimes it means leaving the dinosaurs and dragons behind and starting something completely new and different.  All are hard.

When dealing with the dragons and dinosaurs of your church follow some important advice – they are not the enemy.  They are children of God just as you and those who agree with you are.  They are part of the beloved community and as such need our care and love.

When dealing with angry dragons and prehistoric dinosaurs – handle with care.  Likely they are as afraid of you as you are of them.  Communication and shared beliefs are important to honor.  Take the time to deal justly and compassionately with them and you might be surprised how much progress you can make.

Handle with care = love, honor, respect, and grace.  But it also means moving on to a new reality when necessary – both dragons and dinosaurs no longer exist in the real world, but they can be all too real in the church. Remarkably they can help us honor the past and move into the future.

Hopefully the church of what is to come learns the lessons of the past and makes decisions that honor it while not clinging too tightly to it.  The church of what’s next needs to be birthed.  NOW!

Surviving the Storm

Photo taken by Julie Pohl

The above image is of a hymnal from a United Methodist Church destroyed in a tornado on February 29, 2012 in Harveyville, Kansas. The hymnal survived.  It was found in the midst of absolute ruin.  It was beaten and battered – but it survived.  It is proof that things -- and I believe humans, as well -- can and do survive the storms that come into our lives.  Yes, damage can be left in the wake of storms and it can be devastating but it can also provide for growth, change, new possibility and re-creation can occur.

Sometimes we wonder how we are supposed to endure all that comes our way.  Sometimes it feels as if we are living a life of sheer survival.  Sometimes we feel like the good moments are merely reprieves between the storms. 

But the truth is … life is a blessing.  That blessing is a series of ups and downs.  It is a bounty of experiences and opportunities.  It is a feast of people, places, and events that are part of our journey.  It is a journey that is rich with possibilities and options.

In my younger days, I would moan and complain about the “crap” that would pile one on top of the other in my life.  I thought it was some horrid test that I was failing. Illness, car expenses, lost jobs, stresses, and other stuff seemed to come over and over.  It felt like evil and negativity were laying traps for me.  It was frustrating.

I remember hearing that God never gives us more than we can handle.  But, I thought, obviously God was overestimating what I could handle.

As I have matured in my faith, I understand that God is not testing me ... it’s life.  Life happens.  Good things come our way and difficulties do, as well.  It is the cycle of reality.  We have mountains and valleys.  If we focus on the valleys – we will miss the amazing journey up and around the mountain – and the view from the top.  If we only focus on the mountain top we feel betrayed when we find ourselves in the valley.  It’s the whole journey – not one extreme or the other – that helps us grow in our life and in our faith.

As Brian McLaren writes:  “Yes, thank God, in this life there are green pastures, still waters, overflowing cups, and laden banquet tables. But there are also valleys of the shadow of death in which evil lurks and enemies wait for a misstep or mistake upon which to pounce. To sustain us through those dark valleys, we are given simple words of aspiration, refusal, and lament: when?, no, and why?” (word 9, from Naked Spirituality pp. 181)

And what I trust is this -- “I can do all things through him who strengthens me.”  Philippians 4.13:  (NRSV).  Or maybe another version works for you:  “Christ gives me the strength to face anything.” (CEV)  This passage is so important in my life.  It reminds me that I am strong – I can survive – because Christ has given me strength to survive and thrive.

No matter what – mountain or valley or in between – we are not alone.  We are not too weak to endure.  Christ is with us on our journey.  Christ strengths us to endure. 

The journey continues …

An Iron Lady with Soft Spots

Yesterday we saw a great new movie about Margaret Thatcher, called The Iron Lady. Meryl Streep is a tour de force in the role. The film is about England under the leadership of the first and only female Prime Minister in their long history. She is depicted in an interesting contrast to her public persona. In real life she was thought to be defiant, demanding, and difficult. The movie shows other sides to this powerful woman. A softer, fragile, and more human side of Thatcher is shown as she ages and deals with love, memories, health, and loss.

As a progressive Democrat I was not a huge fan of hers when she was in office. But I did admire her tenacity and leadership skills. She is an enigma – both tough and tender. However, she was in a role in her public life that led her to only allow her tough side to be shown. It is an issue many strong, determined women must face on a daily basis.

But the issues we face today are nothing like those faced by women in the past.

I know that I am privileged by the amazing benefits of the feminist movements of the past. I am also privileged by a system of education that has allowed me to pursue and gain two Masters degrees and a PhD. I am privileged by an economic system that allows me to make decisions about my son's life and education that others do not have. I am white, middle class and highly educated. I have power just because of those facts.

But I am also a woman and the expectations of being tender, passive, and demure are still prevalent in our culture – no matter how far we think we have progressed. Being passive and demure is not part of my life - fortunately. (Those of you know me may snicker loudly now). Women who are assertive are called names, while men who do the same thing are called leaders. That is a sad fact many women must constantly deal with.

Even I have been told to "sit back and let the boys decide the important stuff" too many times. I work in the church and in academia and men still hold the majority of powerful positions. Growing up in Texas I was told on more than one occasion (not by my parents but by the culture around me) to be strong but never beat a man at anything, to let a man take care of me, and to not rock the boat when leadership required tough decisions (they said a man could get it done but not a woman).

Obviously I am not a woman who stands back and let's others make the decisions for her or take care of her simply because they are men. And it has gotten me in a bit of trouble in my life. I have had bosses that resented my strength and determination. That strength has probably resulted in the loss of a job at least once, as well. It cost Margaret Thatcher. But I believe that it has served me well on more occasions than it has hurt me.

I have had other women resent the roles I have played either because they thought I did not deserve the role since I was a woman or because they wished they had followed a similar path themselves. In ministry the most difficulties I have had were almost always with women – for the above reasons mainly, but probably for others as well.

I have a soft side, too. I have shared that in this blog before. I am a weeper. I cry easily and am a softie. I am sentimental and sappy. Some of the wounds and voices of the past still surface and try to derail me. I try not to listen but sometimes the voices are very loud. These moments make me angry and they make me feel weak.

But I am also strong as iron. I am determined and occasionally defiant. I will stand up to injustice for others but sometimes become demure and unsure when it is about me.  My upbringing in Texas probably taught me that - unfortunately. And I have to continue to love myself because of and despite of this.

I am a tigress when it comes to my kid.  Hurt him and you WILL deal with me. I am iron willed when it comes to my faith and moving the church forward.  I am a momma bear when it comes to my students.  I am a sometimes helicopter parent who is getting out of it more and more. I am a crying baby on occasion.  And I am a determined challenger to institutional racism, sexism, classism, heterosexism, sizeism, and other things that belittle and demean others. I am a lot of things - some I love and some not so much.

I am an Iron Lady with soft spots. And that's ok.