Busy, busy, busy. It's our
religion almost. We kneel at the altar of busyness. We pray to the calendar
gods.
We sing the songs of schedule. We sit in the anxiety of too much to do
and too little time to do it.
Because of this reality, there are so many things that get in the way of
taking care of ourselves – work, spouse, family, house/home, TV watching, paying bills, social media, laziness, busyness, paperwork, denial, etc. With all of this to do -- we too often put our
own needs in last place. We take care of others, we take care of our loved
ones, we take care of our homes, we take care of our work, and we take care of
our financial obligations – but we leave ourselves and our personal needs out of the equation.
It’s a problem for many in our
culture today. We have placed the needs of everyone and everything else above
our own.
It happens to people in
every profession and life circumstance. It happens in the lives of clergy and
religious leaders, a group I am part of and work with, way too often.
And it especially happens in the lives of women. We
are expected by outside forces to always put others before ourselves. It
affects us emotionally, spiritually, and physically.
I allowed it to happen to
myself. Even though I teach about self-care – especially for women and clergy – I allowed my own life to
spiral into one that did not focus on my own health, body, spirit, and
emotions.
For decades I have dealt
with a weight issue. I started putting on weight after high school. I had
seriously injured my knee and my ability to be more active dried up. I went to
college and put on the freshman 15 like almost everyone else.
Then I got into a bad cycle.
My knee hurt so I did not exercise. I did not exercise so I put on weight.
Putting on weight had an adverse effect on my knees. Because of the pain and
inactivity I was in a negative spiral that I felt helpless to control or to
change.
When I turned 50 I came to realize that I was over 100 pounds overweight, had two bad knees, was on several
prescription meds, and was living a very inactive lifestyle. However, I was – by all accounts – a happy and highly
productive person. I had a great job, fabulous friends, and an amazing family.
If anyone asked if I was happy – my answer was emphatic, “Of course, I am. I have everything I need to
give me joy.”
But deep down I now know
that I was suffering. I got looks from others insinuating that I must be “fat because I’m lazy.” I endured the
glances when I entered the aisle of a plane for travel that told me what they
were thinking, “I hope she’s not sitting beside me.” And I heard the soft whispers when I went into
stores that did not accommodate my size when I was purchasing a gift for
someone else.
It was hard – but I pretended it wasn’t happening. I refused to hear the voices of others and the ones in my
head telling me that this was not a good way to live. I ignored the cry of my
body to be honorable to it. And I continued to claim that I was happy. I guess
that I was convinced that I was "happy enough" and that was all I
deserved.
Then I had an experience
that brought me to my knees. I was too big to ride an amusement park ride with
my son and I sat there weeping while he rode it without me. It was too much. I
could not bear to miss another moment with my family due to my inactivity,
weight, and lack of mobility. I deserved better.
So I asked for help. I went
to my doctor, got a nutritionist, and hired a personal trainer. I created a
team of encouragers, supporters, experts, and guides for the journey. And I
changed my life. Over the past year I have lost 100+ pounds, I have changed how
and what I eat, and I have embraced the reality that I deserve a fuller life. I
have begun exercising regularly and I have done everything I can to turn my
life around. I have utilized every avenue available for me to use to change my
life.
And in the process I found
me again.
I found the me that has
energy to live life to the fullest. I found the me that wakes up excited about
the day. I found the me that honors the gift of life God has blessed me with as
a healthier, happier person. I found the me that could do things again and not
be limited by my knees or my weight.
I had ignored the symptoms
and the signs. I did not see it. But as I lost weight and began to live more
fully – I
discovered that part of me had actually gone missing as I put on the weight.
Miraculously and thankfully,
I have found me again.
I find that my connection
to my work is deeper and more fulfilling. I find that I am closer to my family
and able to do more things with them. I find that I am more confident than ever
before. I find that my faith is deeper as I live into a life that honors more
faithfully who God calls me to be. And I have found a level of joy that makes
me feel so blessed and happy.
So why am I telling you
this? I'm not telling you this to make anyone feel badly about their own
journey with weight or self-care or anything else. I’m not telling you this to
judge your life or say that you need to do what I have done. I’m not telling
you to in any way make you feel less than a precious child of God that you are.
I'm telling you this
because it has been an amazing journey and I feel compelled to share it. I’m telling you this because I refuse to get into
this place of denial again. I’m telling you because I want
you to live into your best self – whatever that means for you. And I’m telling you this because I care about your journey as well.
My journey to fully find me
and be all that God intends for me continues. But right now I can truly and
absolutely say, with no reservations or denial, that I am really happy. And I
can say that I am living a life that gives me abundant joy.
I celebrate with you if you
have found this and are living a life of happiness and joy where you are right now.
And for those of you still
struggling to find you or to find that happiness and joy - I pray for you to find it for today
and always.
God bless.
