Finding Me Again

 

Busy, busy, busy. It's our religion almost. We kneel at the altar of busyness. We pray to the calendar gods.

We sing the songs of schedule. We sit in the anxiety of too much to do and too little time to do it.

Because of this reality, there are so many things that get in the way of taking care of ourselves – work, spouse, family, house/home, TV watching, paying bills, social media, laziness, busyness, paperwork, denial, etc. With all of this to do -- we too often put our own needs in last place. We take care of others, we take care of our loved ones, we take care of our homes, we take care of our work, and we take care of our financial obligations – but we leave ourselves and our personal needs out of the equation.

It’s a problem for many in our culture today. We have placed the needs of everyone and everything else above our own.

It happens to people in every profession and life circumstance. It happens in the lives of clergy and religious leaders, a group I am part of and work with, way too often.

And it especially happens in the lives of women. We are expected by outside forces to always put others before ourselves. It affects us emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

I allowed it to happen to myself. Even though I teach about self-care – especially for women and clergy – I allowed my own life to spiral into one that did not focus on my own health, body, spirit, and emotions.

For decades I have dealt with a weight issue. I started putting on weight after high school. I had seriously injured my knee and my ability to be more active dried up. I went to college and put on the freshman 15 like almost everyone else.

Then I got into a bad cycle. My knee hurt so I did not exercise. I did not exercise so I put on weight. Putting on weight had an adverse effect on my knees. Because of the pain and inactivity I was in a negative spiral that I felt helpless to control or to change.

When I turned 50 I came to realize that I was over 100 pounds overweight, had two bad knees, was on several prescription meds, and was living a very inactive lifestyle. However, I was – by all accounts – a happy and highly productive person. I had a great job, fabulous friends, and an amazing family. If anyone asked if I was happy – my answer was emphatic, “Of course, I am. I have everything I need to give me joy.”

But deep down I now know that I was suffering. I got looks from others insinuating that I must be “fat because I’m lazy.” I endured the glances when I entered the aisle of a plane for travel that told me what they were thinking, “I hope she’s not sitting beside me.” And I heard the soft whispers when I went into stores that did not accommodate my size when I was purchasing a gift for someone else.

It was hard – but I pretended it wasn’t happening. I refused to hear the voices of others and the ones in my head telling me that this was not a good way to live. I ignored the cry of my body to be honorable to it. And I continued to claim that I was happy. I guess that I was convinced that I was "happy enough" and that was all I deserved.

Then I had an experience that brought me to my knees. I was too big to ride an amusement park ride with my son and I sat there weeping while he rode it without me. It was too much. I could not bear to miss another moment with my family due to my inactivity, weight, and lack of mobility. I deserved better.

So I asked for help. I went to my doctor, got a nutritionist, and hired a personal trainer. I created a team of encouragers, supporters, experts, and guides for the journey. And I changed my life. Over the past year I have lost 100+ pounds, I have changed how and what I eat, and I have embraced the reality that I deserve a fuller life. I have begun exercising regularly and I have done everything I can to turn my life around. I have utilized every avenue available for me to use to change my life.

And in the process I found me again.

I found the me that has energy to live life to the fullest. I found the me that wakes up excited about the day. I found the me that honors the gift of life God has blessed me with as a healthier, happier person. I found the me that could do things again and not be limited by my knees or my weight.

I had ignored the symptoms and the signs. I did not see it. But as I lost weight and began to live more fully – I discovered that part of me had actually gone missing as I put on the weight.

Miraculously and thankfully, I have found me again.

I find that my connection to my work is deeper and more fulfilling. I find that I am closer to my family and able to do more things with them. I find that I am more confident than ever before. I find that my faith is deeper as I live into a life that honors more faithfully who God calls me to be. And I have found a level of joy that makes me feel so blessed and happy.

So why am I telling you this? I'm not telling you this to make anyone feel badly about their own journey with weight or self-care or anything else. I’m not telling you this to judge your life or say that you need to do what I have done. I’m not telling you to in any way make you feel less than a precious child of God that you are.

I'm telling you this because it has been an amazing journey and I feel compelled to share it. I’m telling you this because I refuse to get into this place of denial again. I’m telling you because I want you to live into your best self – whatever that means for you. And I’m telling you this because I care about your journey as well.

My journey to fully find me and be all that God intends for me continues. But right now I can truly and absolutely say, with no reservations or denial, that I am really happy. And I can say that I am living a life that gives me abundant joy.

I celebrate with you if you have found this and are living a life of happiness and joy where you are right now.

And for those of you still struggling to find you or to find that happiness and joy - I pray for you to find it for today and always.

God bless.

Running on Empty

About a week ago a pastor friend of mine posted on their Facebook page about being exhausted and too busy to rest. One of the comments made on the post suggested they HAD to take some time away from the church to rest. The fairly quick response from the original poster was that they had no time, no money, and no one to cover for them at the church. It was clear from multiple comments under the post that many are in the same situation. It is not the first time I have seen these kinds of posts from pastors on my feed or heard comments from pastors talking like this with each other.

According to several pastoral studies, full-time pastors work on average 50+ hours per week. Approximately, 42% work more than 60 hours per week. And these are not regular hours – they are evenings and weekends, include emergency calls or visits in the middle of the night, and are often filled with stressful human interactions (contentious meetings, funerals and crisis ministry, strong willed parishioners, and extreme pressures on their personal life and families).

Part-time pastors are typically “part-time” in pay only – as so many part-time congregations expect nearly full-time work for their part-time pay. Add to this formula high seminary debt, extreme relationship expectations with congregants, and often low pay (especially in earlier calls/appointments) and you now have a recipe for potential trouble.

One of my favorite things growing up was the bold talk of my Dad about how “in tune” he was with his car. He could drive to the edge of the “E” on his gasoline gauge and he knew instinctively when he had to stop and get gas. He bragged about never running out of gas. It was a “guy thing,” my mother would say. But during one family trip, my Dad’s expert knowledge of his car failed him.

He just knew he could make it to a particular exit to get gas. My Mom, my sisters, and I tried to tell him he needed to stop because he was not going to make it. He was certain – even a bit cocky that he knew his car and he knew where the station he wanted to stop was located. You all know what happened next – he ran out of gas. And my sisters and I pushed the car to the gas pump. We have kidded him for years about it. Even though he insisted that he knew how far his car would take him – he was wrong. We were running on empty and paid the price – well, his kids did. And he has gotten teased for decades.

Often pastors do the same thing. They run too long on empty and pay the consequences. They pay the consequences in their personal faith and life. They pay the consequences in their relationship with their parishioners. They pay the consequences in the ways they pastor and preach. And they pay the consequences in how they feel about their call to the ministry.

But the truth is – many pastors feel the same way as my Facebook friend. They feel exhausted and overwhelmed but know they have little time and less money to get away. So what should we do?

First, we should follow the rules of rest and renewal:

1.  Take time every day to refresh – pray, read for fun, go for a walk, go out into nature, take a nap, take a bubble bath, or something that refreshes you EVERY DAY for at least a little bit – even if it is just 10-15 minutes it will help.

2. Take a day off every week to rest or play. If something comes up on that day once and a while, take a different afternoon off to make up for it if you cannot take a different full day off. Go to the movies, go on a family date, spend time with your spouse or significant other, or sleep in.

3.  Take time off quarterly to rest and refresh. Take time to go see a friend in a nearby town, plan a retreat at an area church or retreat center that has low cost housing. Try area universities, seminaries, or other resources if you are short on finances. Do a spiritual retreat with colleagues at a local church for a day or spend time with friends.

4.  Take time off annually for a personal or family vacation. Swap homes with a clergy colleague in another conference or synod who is also short on finances. Find low cost alternative trips that are more service oriented or mission focused. Spend time with your family in larger chunks of time if you do a staycation – and do NOT give in to the temptation of answering calls from the church. Trade coverage of your church members and emergencies while you are gone with another area pastor by offering to cover while they are gone as well.

I know … money is tight. So is time. Expectations are high. So are the pressures of ministry. But you have to make the effort to find time – daily, weekly, quarterly, and annually to do something to renew and refill your tank. No matter how long you think you can go without refilling – at some point you will run out of gas and everyone will pay for that.

Honor your family, your call, your faith, your body, and your congregation – stop early and often to fill up that tank. Don’t run on empty.

P.S. A friend suggested that in toxic environments - churches or other ministry settings that are difficult to lead or have toxic personalities to deal with - self-care is even more important. And with the number of churches that are very difficult to pastor, the need for care is even more important. But even doing that cannot make up for these situations completely. It is a step that is important, however.