Finding Me Again

 

Busy, busy, busy. It's our religion almost. We kneel at the altar of busyness. We pray to the calendar gods.

We sing the songs of schedule. We sit in the anxiety of too much to do and too little time to do it.

Because of this reality, there are so many things that get in the way of taking care of ourselves – work, spouse, family, house/home, TV watching, paying bills, social media, laziness, busyness, paperwork, denial, etc. With all of this to do -- we too often put our own needs in last place. We take care of others, we take care of our loved ones, we take care of our homes, we take care of our work, and we take care of our financial obligations – but we leave ourselves and our personal needs out of the equation.

It’s a problem for many in our culture today. We have placed the needs of everyone and everything else above our own.

It happens to people in every profession and life circumstance. It happens in the lives of clergy and religious leaders, a group I am part of and work with, way too often.

And it especially happens in the lives of women. We are expected by outside forces to always put others before ourselves. It affects us emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

I allowed it to happen to myself. Even though I teach about self-care – especially for women and clergy – I allowed my own life to spiral into one that did not focus on my own health, body, spirit, and emotions.

For decades I have dealt with a weight issue. I started putting on weight after high school. I had seriously injured my knee and my ability to be more active dried up. I went to college and put on the freshman 15 like almost everyone else.

Then I got into a bad cycle. My knee hurt so I did not exercise. I did not exercise so I put on weight. Putting on weight had an adverse effect on my knees. Because of the pain and inactivity I was in a negative spiral that I felt helpless to control or to change.

When I turned 50 I came to realize that I was over 100 pounds overweight, had two bad knees, was on several prescription meds, and was living a very inactive lifestyle. However, I was – by all accounts – a happy and highly productive person. I had a great job, fabulous friends, and an amazing family. If anyone asked if I was happy – my answer was emphatic, “Of course, I am. I have everything I need to give me joy.”

But deep down I now know that I was suffering. I got looks from others insinuating that I must be “fat because I’m lazy.” I endured the glances when I entered the aisle of a plane for travel that told me what they were thinking, “I hope she’s not sitting beside me.” And I heard the soft whispers when I went into stores that did not accommodate my size when I was purchasing a gift for someone else.

It was hard – but I pretended it wasn’t happening. I refused to hear the voices of others and the ones in my head telling me that this was not a good way to live. I ignored the cry of my body to be honorable to it. And I continued to claim that I was happy. I guess that I was convinced that I was "happy enough" and that was all I deserved.

Then I had an experience that brought me to my knees. I was too big to ride an amusement park ride with my son and I sat there weeping while he rode it without me. It was too much. I could not bear to miss another moment with my family due to my inactivity, weight, and lack of mobility. I deserved better.

So I asked for help. I went to my doctor, got a nutritionist, and hired a personal trainer. I created a team of encouragers, supporters, experts, and guides for the journey. And I changed my life. Over the past year I have lost 100+ pounds, I have changed how and what I eat, and I have embraced the reality that I deserve a fuller life. I have begun exercising regularly and I have done everything I can to turn my life around. I have utilized every avenue available for me to use to change my life.

And in the process I found me again.

I found the me that has energy to live life to the fullest. I found the me that wakes up excited about the day. I found the me that honors the gift of life God has blessed me with as a healthier, happier person. I found the me that could do things again and not be limited by my knees or my weight.

I had ignored the symptoms and the signs. I did not see it. But as I lost weight and began to live more fully – I discovered that part of me had actually gone missing as I put on the weight.

Miraculously and thankfully, I have found me again.

I find that my connection to my work is deeper and more fulfilling. I find that I am closer to my family and able to do more things with them. I find that I am more confident than ever before. I find that my faith is deeper as I live into a life that honors more faithfully who God calls me to be. And I have found a level of joy that makes me feel so blessed and happy.

So why am I telling you this? I'm not telling you this to make anyone feel badly about their own journey with weight or self-care or anything else. I’m not telling you this to judge your life or say that you need to do what I have done. I’m not telling you to in any way make you feel less than a precious child of God that you are.

I'm telling you this because it has been an amazing journey and I feel compelled to share it. I’m telling you this because I refuse to get into this place of denial again. I’m telling you because I want you to live into your best self – whatever that means for you. And I’m telling you this because I care about your journey as well.

My journey to fully find me and be all that God intends for me continues. But right now I can truly and absolutely say, with no reservations or denial, that I am really happy. And I can say that I am living a life that gives me abundant joy.

I celebrate with you if you have found this and are living a life of happiness and joy where you are right now.

And for those of you still struggling to find you or to find that happiness and joy - I pray for you to find it for today and always.

God bless.

Being Set Adrift for God

(I have taken a break from blogging for a while but several events lately led me to post this and get back into the task of blogging.)

I am not afraid to admit that I like control. I don’t like other people controlling me or telling me what to do. I never have liked it (just ask my Mom or Dad).  Despite life requiring that I allow others to lead in many situations, I enjoy having elements of control over my own life. In the midst of chaos I like to exert as much control over the situation as I can - so that the chaos begins to ease as much as possible. I don’t think that I am alone in this. Most of us like control. It’s human to want things to be fixed and static but life often does not work that way.

Trying to exert control in times of discernment and reflection can be even harder. Following where God leads us in our lives can be a scary and intimidating process. Exerting control in those circumstances is often problematic. Giving up control to God is hard for many of us, but we feel like it should be done and should be easier. It’s often not.

I work with seminary students (folks preparing for pastoral ministry in some form) and often meet with them to talk about their ministry and life discernment process. I also have the opportunity to talk with quite a few prospective students who are still trying to determine what God is calling them to do and be in their lives and any potential ministry. I have come across a number of persons who denied their call for decades because they did not or could not give in to the discernment process and acknowledge their call into pastoral ministry or some other discernment issue in their lives. Giving up control and allowing God to lead is indeed hard – despite how faithful one is.

Recently, a guest lecturer was preaching in our chapel. She shared an ancient Celtic tradition of setting sail in a rudderless boat, relying on the wind of the Holy Spirit to guide you as you discerned who God was leading you to be and where God was sending you to share that state of being. As she explained the process, I came to understand that one who is discerning their life direction embarks on a journey to see where God is directing them by being set adrift to catch the winds of the Spirit – with no way to pilot the boat themselves.

Canoe set Adrift by Poucher

The image was both refreshing and terrifying at the same time. It was a refreshing image to contemplate. Being set adrift to go where God directs us is powerful. Giving into the will of God is a profound thing that can set a person free from the bonds that are keeping them from fully being who they are called to be. Giving into the breath of God and go where the wind takes you opens up potential ministry and life experiences that no one could ever imagine on their own. Being able to launch yourself on that kind of adventure would take a lot of fortitude and guts.

That’s where the scary part comes in – letting go of your own need for control and to actually stop trying to control the boat is important. The very fact that the boat is rudderless means there is no directing the boat on your own. Of course, left to my own devices, I could probably use my hands or feet to push/pull/navigate the boat. And I would likely want to do just that. But that’s not what we are called to do in discernment.

The task is to stop trying to control things. We are called to let the Spirit lead and to go where God directs us.

And that’s tricky. The easy thing is to say to ourselves or others, “Just have faith.” But the reality is that letting go is against our human nature. That means even having faith is not all that we need to get us to let go. We have to “own up” to our reluctance to give up control and allow God to blow us where God will. And we need to acknowledge that it is not the easiest thing for us to do. We should not beat ourselves up about this when we fail and try to steer some of the way.

Discernment is tough. So is living into the will of God. But we are called to live into this anyway – to find a way. Being honest and working through the discernment process patiently is paramount. Give yourself some grace when it’s not easy. And try paddling as little as possible when you are in that rudderless boat.

It’s ok. God loves us anyway – even when we fail. And the Spirit will continue to blow to guide us even when it is harder to let it guide us.

Let’s make this promise to each other and to God – we’ll keep our hands and feet inside the rudderless vehicle as much as we can and enjoy the ride.

8 Ways to Bring Back Family Worship

A blog article I wanted to share ... by Darby Jones from UMCom

So many families are on the go these days. Sitting down for a family dinner is so passé.  At least, that’s what many teenagers think. And forget any kind of family worship at home. Yet, spending time together intentionally discussing and experiencing God’s work in our lives should be one of our most important goals as a family. That’s why it is important as church leaders to equip parents with the tools to bring back family worship.

Include these family worship tips in your sermon and add them to your website, blog and newsletter:

1. You don't have to know everything to lead. Parents don’t have to be Bible scholars or know all the answers to start a family worship time. You just need the willingness to lead your family and follow God's guidance.

2. Create a worship space in the house. This place should show the connection between Christ and the family. Praying and bonding together in this space will make it sacred.

3. Set a time for spiritual bonding. The time and length of family worship depend on the age and attention span of family members. If someone isn’t available, have a backup plan. Set a virtual prayer time (for example, at 6 p.m., remember to say a quick prayer with and for the family, no matter where you are). Be consistent about bonding at the same time. and it will soon become a habit.

4. Challenge your family to a night without television. Even better, make it a “No Screen Night,” which excludes video games, computers and phones as well. This time can occur as often as a family determines (perhaps monthly or weekly). Blocking all distraction frees time for family worship, letter writing, board and active games, sports or general conversation and discussion. Mix up the activities, especially for younger children with short attention spans.

It won’t be long before family members look forward to the time and realize the most important things in life are free. However, small rewards can be fun and even can be a part of stewardship lessons. Children will love the extra attention from their parents. Don’t be surprised if the stories of memories made from this time together get a little bigger each time they are told!

5. Work together on a community volunteer project. This is a chance to focus on others (and on what Jesus calls us to do) while spending time together. It's also a great teaching opportunity that will enrich the community and lives of others.

Parents can start by asking their pastor about community ministries that can use the family’s help. Contact your conference Volunteers in Mission coordinator to find out about good service opportunities for families. Another great resource is VolunteerMatch, an organization that strengthens communities by making it easier for good people and good causes to connect. You can find volunteer opportunities in your community and narrow search results by keywords to find opportunities that interest your family.

6. Prepare. It doesn’t have to take a long time. Read a favorite Bible verse and think about the theme that you’d like to share. Cokesbury offers several family devotionals to help with this process. Develop a list of simple faith questions (e.g. Where have you seen God today? How do you think we can apply Sunday's sermon?) While watching a television show, plan to discuss, during a commercial, how one of the characters could have acted like Jesus.

7. Create a family gratitude journal to promote interaction.Create a family gratitude journal using a hole punch and some ribbon. Keep the book in the family worship space. Each person is responsible for documenting at least one thing for which he or she is most grateful every day ... more than one is highly encouraged. Little ones can draw something special, cut out a picture or glue on something from nature that they found. Ideally, everyone will have something positive to share.

8. Provide examples on how to pray aloud. Discuss times and situations when it is appropriate to pray, such as before bed, before meals, upon waking, upon receiving good news, when worried or afraid, when you hear an emergency siren, when you hear bad news or when facing a problem  with a friend or sibling.

Prayer times are also good times to look up Bible verses. Show your family how to use a Bible concordance so they know how to look up verses that relate to their problems.

For additional resources and the original post - see http://www.umcom.org/site/apps/nlnet/content3.aspx?c=mrLZJ9PFKmG&b=6084879&ct=11712685&notoc=1

Saying Goodbye to Granny P

I am traveling with my family this week to the funeral of my son's great grandmother, Granny P.  She was 93 when she passed away and had been in an assisted living facility for some years due to Alzheimer's Disease.  The last few times we visited she did not really respond to us, but my son was convinced she smiled at him.

I believe him.  Because that is what she always did with him.  She would watch him when he was little and say over and over, "perpetual motion, he's perpetual motion." And she would smile.  She was part of his life and he adored going to visit Baba, one of his grandmothers, and her mom, Granny P, his great grandmother. 

While there - anytime we visited - she would ask him about his puppy, go for walks with him, and they would play on the floor with red puppy and a toy train for hours.

On one visit when he was a toddler, she became convinced that his little red puppy (a stuffed animal he took everywhere with him) was in fact hers.  The entire time we were there she would secret it away and we would have to go retrieve it for him.  She was not aware of what she was doing but he knew she was taking something that was his.  He was confused, but trusted us to rescue it for him. 

When we got ready to leave one time, she once again had gotten red puppy away from him.  We distracted her the best we could and searched her room until we rescued red puppy from behind some blankets in her closet.  She had hidden it extremely deeply in the closet.  But we were not about to leave without it.  We still tell the story and he knows it well.

This weekend at the memorial service, grandkids and great grandkids were asked to bring pictures or other items to remember Granny P.  My son brought red puppy (yes, we still have it even though he is now 13 years old).  He will tell the story of her thinking it was hers and taking it several times.  Some will laugh and some will wonder what the story means.  For him it is a memory of being with her.  It is a memory of her interaction with him - despite her disease.  He does not know her from her prime.  He remembers a funny lady in a hat who took his red puppy and called him "perpetual motion."

But he still remembers her.  He wanted to be here to say goodbye.  And he wanted to share his wonderful memory of her.

That is what memorial services and funerals are all about.  They are about remembering the roles our loved ones play in our lives - whether briefly or over an extended period of time.  It is a chance to compare memories with others and to say thank you for the roles our beloved family members played on our journey.  It is a time to laugh as much as cry.  It is a time to drink deeply from the family well.  It is a time to remember.

Yes, my son still has red puppy.  He keeps it in his keepsake box.  He keeps it because he got it from his aunt and uncle for his first birthday and it reminds him of Clifford, the Big Red Dog, who his Baba introduced him to.  And he keeps it because Granny P took it from him and his parents rescued it for him.

Sharing that memory makes him happy.  Remembering Granny P makes him smile.  Remembering those who have walked this life journey with us is important.  This weekend is all about that. 

Drink deeply from that well, my friends.  

Women- We Need to Tell Our Stories

I grew up in Texas, which is an extremely oral culture.  We tell stories.  We tell little stories about the people who used to live in the house on the corner or the football game when we won the state championship.  And we tell BIG stories about our history – about the battle at the Alamo; about being a country before being a state; and about Texas legends like Travis, Austin, Crockett, and others.  Telling stories in my culture is vital.  It is as much a part of Texans as breathing.

I also grew up in a story telling household.  We heard stories about ancestors who fought in the Civil War (or the War of Northern Aggression as some of my relatives call it), my dad juggling a watermelon and dropping it all over the kitchen floor as a kid, and an intriguing story from my Great Aunt Edna about the little people who lived in the moss outside her window. 

These stories are a part of me because they are part of my story.  My life story.  The story of me.  It is an important story because it is my story.  And to honor it – I have to tell my story.  A huge part of my story is my faith in God, my being a follower of Jesus, my devotion to my vocation, my growing up in Texas, and my love of family.  Telling the story of me and my faith journey is essential. 

I teach my students to honor their stories.  I teach them to be proud of their journey – their life journey and their faith journey.  And I teach my preaching students to tell the Gospel story in profound, personal, and relevant ways.  Telling stories is important in the life of the church.  The story of the Hebrew people makes up the Old Testament, the story of Jesus is told in the Gospels, and the story of the early church is recounted in the Epistles.  These stories are important to read, hear, and respond to.  They are the stories of our faith.

Yesterday, I spent time with a group of women attending the Lutheran Theological Seminary at Philadelphia’s Women’s Day event.  We talked about the stories of women from the Bible – Eve, Esther, Rachel, Leah, Elizabeth, Sarah, Mary the Mother of Jesus, Salome, Mary Magdalene, Dorcas, the Samaritan Woman at the Well, Priscilla, Huldah, the Woman with the Issue of Blood, Mary and Martha, and others.  It was a powerful time of conversation.

We also talked about the importance of honoring these stories and the women’s own stories in the life of the church.  Some of these stories are told in the church on a regular basis – in worship, in preaching, in study, and in communal gatherings.  But unfortunately many are not.  Women’s stories are often either omitted or told only to forward the story of the male characters in the story.  At the very least women get their stories told on Women’s Sunday or Mother’s Day.  Some churches are much better than this – thank goodness – but some are not.

Today, we also hear women’s place in society and their rights to make decisions about their own lives being bandied about as political power plays.  Whether you agree or not with the topics of debate – the way men in power are talking about women without asking women to participate in the decisions is repugnant. Women are being silences in many of these discussions.  We ought to be able to tell our own stories and have a role in the decisions that affect our own lives.

We have to tell our stories.  We have to tell the stories of women in our lives.  We have to tell the stories of women in our faith journeys.  We have to tell the stories of the women of the Bible and women who have and are leading the church.

Women’ stories are important.   ‎A friend shared the following quote from Muriel Rukeyser on my Facebook wall today - "What if one woman told the truth about her life? The world would split open."

Our stories are the stories that would split open the world.  Our stories are the stories of the world – the stories of the church – the stories of us. 

Tell them – often and everywhere.  Tell them.